Soliloquy of a Searcher

I’m not supposed to have thoughts—especially negative ones. Where’s the gaps of nothingness between my thoughts? So tightly packed together like a Lego® jigsaw. Or maybe I’m just not aware enough? I yelled. That’s a memory. No, it’s a thought. But it’s a memory. Is it okay to have a memory? But if it’s a thought…I’m not supposed to have thoughts. I shouldn’t have yelled at her. But I did. She yelled back. And I yelled louder and redder. I’m not supposed to be angry. Is anger a thought or emotion? But emotion is a thought, right? But I was angry. I tried to follow my breath just like I do when I’m sitting in meditation and everything is so calm and glorious. Angry thoughts were too crowded. I shouldn’t have slapped her. But I did. She took the parking spot I had been waiting for. What the @#!!! When I yelled at her, she popped an umbrella open in my rainsoaked face and yelled back. She proceeded to the store. Then I yelled and SLAP. Instantly I said I’m sorry. She slapped back and knocked all the crazy-glued thoughts outta me. For a split second of a split second of a split second of a split second of a split second there was nothing. NOTHING. It was a big as day in that split of a split. I wanna BE that nothing-blissful-spaciousness. But now am thought-crammed. I’m not supposed to have thoughts—especially negative ones…

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